The Guy Who Punts

The guy who punts, who kicks the can down the road, who blows things off, the procrastinator, the man who checks out, I am, you are, we are all these men at times. And yes! Sometimes it just feels good to check out. If you work, raise kids, have a relationship, check email, pay bills, keeping up is a lot of work. But the downside is you find yourself tired, letting down people you love. And so the paradox of it all, I started punting more often.

Punting in a different way, punting thoughts, trying to free up some resources, some mental bandwidth, to be more "checked in". Five minutes or ten, whatever is available, just sit and think, maybe close my eyes, then punt the first thought that comes to me, then the next and the next and the next, again and again and again. And down field about 50 yards or so, there's a bunch of thoughts, big and small - take out the trash, call Jake, email Julien's teacher, look for the table cloths, invoice Sanchez, post on the blog, figure out life - sitting on the grass down field and I can barely see them they're so far away and eventually they just dissolve into the grass, like fertilizer.

And the grass is the playing field, of life. And the punter works for me, he doesn't have a name, he is the guy who punts, he punts to clear the field, and when my mind is empty, he can take a rest, at least until the next thought pops up. And during this busy holiday season, I've been grateful for him. He's giving me more head space, more energy, all in the name of showing up for the ones I love and being more checked in. Amen!

Men, Change Now, or Tell Her, Shut Your Trap and Put Out? One Star Reviews: The Golden Underworld Of Amazon

Yesterday I spent some time on Amazon looking at the book "The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work" by Terence Real. The 4 & 5 star comments were fairly predictable and laudatory. And it was only when I clicked on one of the three one star comments, did I find some gold. By gold, I don't mean truth but insight into the panorama of manhood.

The main premise of Real's book is that the 20th century male is trying to meet the relationship expectations of his 21st century women and it's not working. It's not the man's fault but now he's got to change to catch up. As a relevant side note, the greatest expectation of a 21st century woman is (drumroll, please), take a guess:

A. Sex
B. Take care of the kids
C. Wash the dishes
D. Intimacy
E. All of the above.

And the answer is (second drumroll, please) intimacy. No surprise there.

So back to the one star reviewer, who says Real (the author) is wanting men to become "Chatty Cathies" and maybe, I thought, he's got a point. He goes on to say,

"The enduring theme of this work, which promises so much to women, revolves around men being to blame for the failure of modern relationships. It seems that we have neglected to alter ourselves to the necessary extent. If we did then we could better meet the needs of the liberated woman. The new rules are a process and curriculum whereby men and women can save their unions provided that men learn to act more like women."

Huh, that's messed up, men need to act like women?

The reviewer goes on, "Male nature is neither an outcome of regimes nor media slant, it is a result of biology. Over the course of the last decade the social constructionist perspective has been rendered obsolete by science. Women and men are known to have disparate biological imperatives and goals in life. Advocating for one sex to obliterate their concerns and proclivities in the hopes of making things easier for the other is both absurd and despicable. More importantly, it cannot work anyway. Societal cheerleading will never succeed in getting men to purge themselves of their essence...which is what makes them men."

Purge myself of my essence? What is my essence?

"Getting men to verbalize their thoughts and emotions is pointless, foolhardy, downright goofy, and a waste of time. After all, talking about emotion is as useful as singing about electrical engineering. Of course, there is much to disdain about The New Rules of Marriage, but what offended me most was its pervasive celebration of inequality amongst the sexes. Women want more out of relationships today so...men must give it to them. Why is that the case? In every equitable transaction, the side who asks for more must offer more in exchange. This leads us to ask, what do modern women offer men that is superior to what their predecessors proffered in the past?"

Marriage, an equitable transaction? What about love?

Three paragraphs later, he ends it, "Rather than internalize these New Rules men should memorize a more imperative injunction: Caveat Emptor."

Caveat Emptor means "Buyer Beware." (Had to look that up.)

So I kept going down the rabbit hole and clicked on all his reviews. Five star reviews of books about the death of communism, the fall of the welfare state, a title by the venomous Michael Savage, and a pattern emerged. It hit me, this guy was an old school guy, likely fitting into the social model of conservative Republicanism, an Obama hater. I had no disdain but had been intrigued to find him through a book on marriage.

And then finding, in the one star reviewer's company, was a two star reviewer's recommendation of "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" by Patricia Love, a book working from the perspective that men don't like to talk about their feelings.

The two star reviewer said the Real book didn't work and her husband had heard about the Love book on TV and they tried it and it worked a lot better. Men hate talking about their feelings, it makes them feel like a girl. Wow! I thought, all my work on trying to help men get in touch with their feelings. Was it bunk? But then a one star reviewer named Sunny (male or female?) said of the Patricia Love book, "If you've read the bible you don't need to read this book. It's a very nice way of saying - Shut your trap and put out."

Huh? That's harsh. Well, maybe that works for some... women.

And then coming up for air, out of the rabbit hole, I had the grand (well, not so grand) realization which I've had many times but had somehow escaped me in the myopic underground of one star Amazon reviews: What works for one couple doesn't work for another. One size does not fit all.

A Republican southern couple might do much better with the Patrica Love book, whereas a Boulder, Colorado couple might do better with the Terrence Real book.

So, I thought, what kind of coach do I strive to be, with men? One who works with a man, based on who he appears to be? Or based in who I think he should be? Huh? We always have to be reminded: One size doesn't fit all.

Ubuntu: You Can't Be Human All By Yourself

In a world where the human heart is daily encouraged to shut down - rushing to work when work is the last thing you want to do, protecting ourselves from someone else's emotionality by limiting our openness to them, or functionally answering the check out guy at the super market when he asks you how you are - what are the ramifications to the human soul?

This weekend, I had the fortune to sit and experience the human hearts of other men. I felt their brokenness and wholeness. I felt my own brokenness and wholeness. I shared in grief and joy. I became real. I experienced Ubuntu.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu explained Ubuntu in 2008:
"One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu - the essence of being human. Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can't exist as a human being in isolation. It speaks about our interconnectedness. You can't be human all by yourself."



This can be a hard concept for many of us to grasp, especially when we are knee deep in isolation. The idea of Ubuntu rocks the very foundation of the lifestyle that grounds itself in isolation, the American lifestyle endowed with technology, vast demographics (mom lives in florida and you live in san francisco) and a rich personal living environment (nice house) in lieu of a shared communal experience of humanity.

So what to do? Enjoy the isolation of the rugged individual life and all its private perks (ipads, mini coopers, smart phones, etc) or fight the tide and join an intentional community? Not necessarily.

Tutu goes on to say, "We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another, whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole world. When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity."

So Ubuntu. Great concept. But is it real? How can it become real? Connect with others as much and as often as possible. Take lunches with friends. Be open to others. Work less. And get out into the world with people who want this connecting to be a part of their life. Attend a retreat. Most of all, be brave.

For a deeper glimpse into Tutu, check out this great piece in The Guardian.

Reconciling The Global Contradictions

I walk around and hear so much despair from people these days, from BP to Obama's inability to deliver to how the corporations have America by the balls. People want so much more from the world and have no idea how to pursue it, be it justice, humanity, or general well being.

"New" seems to be our most alluring weapon. A new president. A new congress. A new policy. A new house. A new ipad. Is that merely the knee jerk reaction of the well-trained consumer?


These contradictions, of the strong world desire for good and the reality of bad, are nearly impossible to reconcile. These contradictions hurt in the gut of life. These contradictions kick us hard. Do we kick back? Bother to raise our leg in defense?

At the very least, we react, through absorption, intrigue, or apathy. Whatever our reaction, we know what the world out there looks like. We know the corrupting influence of the loss of innocence, of adulthood. But where do we take it? Where do we go with it?

The world has always been fucked up. Why should now be any different than any other time? Because our evolution demands it be different. Our utopia says enough of this shit. Do you buy into the Judeo-Christian myth that this world must end? Before it improves? Is that "new" just being sold all over again?

Tell me. What do you think? I'm still thinking.

Surfing With Detachment

Today is an overcast day here in Boulder. My wife is quite sick. It's Father's Day and I spent half the day, cooking and cleaning. I feel weighted. But I read a great parable about a man who's horse runs away. All the villagers cry sorrow for him, lamenting his inability to pull his plow and grow food. But he says I don't know if this is good or bad or what will be the end result, all I know is that I lost a horse today. A day later, the horse returns with six others. The villagers praise his good fortune. He says I have more horses now, but who knows what will come of this. Riding one of the new horses, the man's son gets thrown off and breaks his leg. The villagers cry for his bad luck, the loss of his son's productivity for farm work. Again, the man says my son broke his leg, that's all I know. The next day the local government comes to the village to draft all the young men for a newly declared war effort, all but the man's son.

The concise delivery of the ups and downs of life in this parable and our inability to control life's circumstances is powerful. You know, as well as I, that what we can control is our reaction to our circumstances. Whether it's a fist through a wall, a scream, a cry, or a laugh of joy, where do we find ourselves in our reaction to life's circumstances? Or do we react in the hopes of finding ourselves?

I can feel sadness on this gloomy day, and yes, I do feel it, but there's also a part of me that feels that sadness like a weather pattern or ocean wave outside of myself. Reaction seems to be the modern state of the world today in the high exposure media world. Limbaugh's reaction. Palin's reaction. Obama's reaction. BP's reaction. We're more concerned with reaction than with the state of affairs, confusing the former for the latter. Thus, it's difficult to absorb the emotional weather of the times. It diminishes our power, lessens our perception of the world. How can we be a good people, causing so much destruction? Whether we hate the whining liberals or the raging conservatives or couldn't care less about any of the media babble, we still struggle with the state of the world, or maybe our taxes, our family, unemployment, debt, or general conflict on the road, at work, or at a restaurant.

But is there a way to fight our fight and feel our power and maintain detachment? I don't have the Buddhist or Hindu terms handy but I do know that passionate detachment is a form of self defense and offense that cultivates a more empowered life, where reaction is just the surf and our real power comes from our decision to ride the wave or crash headfirst. Of course, riding sounds like the most desirable option but you've got to practice for years as these are some big waves coming at us these days. So I challenge myself to get on the board and start practicing, right now. But what will happen when I fall? Will I get pissed and hate myself for trying? Or will I say, fuck it, and just get right back on the board? What about you?